avoidance

For some reason, I have been trying to avoid writing a new posting.

The holiday was much more difficult than I ever would have imagined.  I am not quite sure why, and I have never gotten upset about it in the past.  I know many other women who are in the adoption process find it difficult during the holiday season, but I had never felt any sadness....until this year.  I just could not wait for it all to be over with, and get back to work.  Not even a single Christmas card was mailed.

I had my moment of weakness....I emailed our social worker and asked her if our profile had been shown in the month of December.  We only hear from her every two months, but I could not take the unknown any longer.  She said that it had not....So then I started wondering...What could be wrong with our profile?  I picked the light green colored paper.  Maybe I should have gone with the light blue?  We put a black and white photo on the cover.  Should we have gone with color?  I added a little stamp at the bottom of the cover to make it "stand-out".  Did this make it look to formal instead?  I actually contemplated asking the agency if we could re-do them, and order the blue paper.  I am embarrassed to say that I still am thinking of how I would make the profile differently.  Ugh.....  Today I came home to an email from our social worker stating that our profile had been shown once in the beginning of January. I am happy, but now I am obsessed as to why we were not chosen.  What did the two birthmothers see in our profile that they did not like?

The holiday season was also not without it's stupid comments.  They were made by loved ones, and they probably meant no harm.  They were not even directed towards me, or about me...but I heard them and internalized them.

So, to make myself feel better, I shopped.  I sat at this computer and scoured my favorite websites for sales.  All the goods are starting to be delivered, and instead of looking forward to a voicemail message when I get home, I look for a package on the front porch. (I can't lie....I grab the phone and listen to voicemail before I can even get the dogs in the yard.)  I also indulged in a bottle of Chanel nail polish and lipstick.  What a new tube of lipstick can do!

But for now, the shopping has stopped, and life has returned back to normal (as well as some of the impulse purchases).  We are back at school, (I swear this was the longest week, and it felt as though the holiday break never even happened.) and life is finally moving on...